Survivor Gone Wrong
by Lady Rowena
Summary: Harry and his friends are put on the TV show Survivor, but with a twist. When Will Shatner and Paris Hilton get involved, chaos erupts.


Disclaimer: I'm POOR. I don't own Harry Potter because if I did I would be snogging him, and not writing fanfictions. Anyway, Harry and all his enemies, allies, and fuck buddies belong to J.K. Rowling not me.

I really have no idea what it's going to be rated, but since it's one of my stories you know that it will have my dry sense of humor and at least a little Draco/Hermione love mixed with good, ole Pumpkin Pie, of course. It's just what the title says: Harry Potter Survivor, but with a twist. Instead of having just Harry Potter characters stranded in a very hot place or putting them with Snickett characters or something, I'm putting them with...my friends amd some of my enemies but with different names, of course. Let's get on with it then.

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This tale begins like many others with eighteen people stranded in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere in Clay County, Kentucky to be precise or quite vague whilst trying to be precise actually. You are probably wondering how a town (or county rather) in the middle of America, the most advanced and powerful country in the world, could be considered to be as treacherous as the Amazon. If that is the case, my friend, you are out of the loop as to what exactly Clay county is like. Pity the Brits that are put in that place. Even worse, pity the Yankees...These people don't like Yanks. 

It is not surprising that most of the characters in the Harry Potter series were less than pleased when offered the opportunity to participate on Survivor, but with a little threatening and getting kidnapped they decided to join the show.

"Jeff Probst here with the new season of Survivor. We're here in the wild and dangerous land of Clay county, Kentucky where our eighteen survivor contestants will compete to see who is the soul survivor…"

Jeff babbled on and on about nothing for about half an hour. Finally, he stopped. Thank God.

"Now let's meet our survivors," Jeff said, smiling at the camera as if it was a steak and he hadn't eaten in days. "She likes dancing, partying, hell-raising, and 'getting rowdy down at football games,' and spending her time playing Harry Potter RPs. What the…That can't be right. Oh well, here she is. It's Lindsey."

A fairly short, extremely skinny and quite attractive if I do say so myself teenage blonde walked over to one side of Jeff with an infuriated look on her face. She kicked Jeff in the shins and smirked at him. 'Yankee idiot,' she thought, smirking even more as he moaned in pain.

"It's Nicole," Nicole told him, glaring at him. "And what're ya a doin' anyway? I thought this was Survivor not the Bachelor."

She rolled her eyes, and Jeff reluctantly continued. "Next up is James. He enjoys dippin', chewin', and doin' stupid shit. What the hell is wrong with these people…"

James, an extremely hot teen boy with short-ish, black hair who smells of tobacco and cheap liquor, went over to Jeff and Nicole. There was a slight trickle of drool coming out of Nicole's mouth upon seeing James, but she made no note of it because she was enchanted by his dreamy, brown eyes. Jeff began speaking again, but it didn't knock Nicole out of the trance this boy had placed on her.

"Because we couldn't find anyone better, it's Hunter, but no one cares anyway so lets go on," Jeff said, as Hunter came over to them with an excited look on his face. Nicole shot him a "you disgust me" glance and wondered why they were friends, but she looked back at James and was mesmerized by his punk hotness once again. "The preppiest person this side of the Mason-Dixon line. You guessed it. It's Brianna the Pain."

Nicole rolled her eyes upon hearing that name and grimaced at the side of Brianna. She was a fairly attractive girl who was dressed in a sort of sleazy manner. Somehow, she was wearing flip flops…Nicole gaped at her outfit. 'How stupid can you be…It's Survivor not the mall.' she thought, rolling her eyes again.

"Now, the one you've all been waiting for. Bow down before Angel."

Angel walked over to the group with a distinguished look on her face. Nicole gave the classic rocker response to her friend: the Satan horns. Angel just smiled though, and Nicole lowered her hand as she smirked back at Angel.

"Here are two random people…I think their names might be Ari and Tommy, but who gives a fuck anyway?"

Yada…Yada…Skipping past the arrival of the hated Yankees, we get to the arrival of someone who is even more hated, if that's possible.

"The cries of small children can be heard wherever he goes. He's the most emo guy around. It's the King of the Posers, Brandon. Fear for your pathetic excuse of a life…"

Booing could be heard all around even though no one was supposed to be near the Survivor taping. They never pass up an opportunity to boo him for he is a Soc. Even worse, he's a Soc who wants to be a punk. It's a travesty really.

"All hail," Nicole shouted, glaring over at Brandon.

They had a very Draco-Hermione type of relationship, and some stupid people might assume that deep down they actually like each other. These people are idiots. As Nicole will gladly remind you, it's all hate, no love just like it is with Draco and Hermione. Shippers screw everything up though.

"Last but definitely not least. It's the girl with the fiery temper and werewolf obsession: Logan."

If you skip ahead to the important part using the appropriate button on your TiVo, you will find yourself in the announcing of the members of the other tribe.

"The first member of the other tribe is-" Jeff began, but he was interrupted. This time it wasn't Nicole though. It was Angel.

"Wait. What are the tribe names?"

"Uh…they don't really have names. We usually do that the night before the taping, but we forgot. So we'll name them after famous horses. What were some famous horses?" Jeff answered, with an uncertain look on his face.

"Why horses?" Nicole asked, giving him a questioning look.

"Because it is Kentucky," he told her, rolling his eyes.

"What? What the hell….No. No. No. This ain't the bluegrass, Yank boy. This is the hills. Ya know, like the Beverley Hillbillies. That's a real fine show they tried to make into a reality show a while back. They were a gonna use people from right chere for it too. I think that's bullshit, Probst. That's a bunch of mother-fucking B.S., you whiny, Yankee pansy…" Nicole said, glaring at him even more. "Anyway, we should use names that actually have something to do with the area. We're moonshine. They're backer. You got it, city boy?"

"Yes. Yes. I do…" Jeff answered, quaking in his boots. "Now let's bring out the first member of the 'Backer'…whatever that is tribe. It's Harry Potter."

Harry walked out and stood on the other side of Jeff. Nicole could feel herself drooling again. She pushed James aside and gazed at Harry with stars in her eyes. The man of her dreams was standing right there in front of her, and he looked scared. Terrified, really.

"Where am I? What's going on? Why did you bring me here? I'll hex you all," Harry said, searching in all of his pockets for his wand. "Where's my wand? What'd you do with it? Where is it? What if Voldemort comes?"

"Is he crazy?" Brianna asked, with that stupid prep look on her face.

"No. He isn't crazy. He's dreamy…" Nicole said, as her legged popped behind her. Aww…Now this is a ship, people.

"Then it's the evilest git on the block, Draco Malfoy. Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood…Is this an Austin Powers movie? Ginny Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange, Blaise Zabini…Who is Blaise Zabini? Whatever… " Jeff continued, seeming rushed. "And Tom Riddle. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a long, hot shower, and mope over the awful career choices that got me to this horrible point in my life."

He threw Nicole and Harry each a map and began walking away.

"They're maps to your camps. The buffs are at your camp," he shouted back as he walked across the barren field towards what appeared to be a movie trailer.

Nicole yawned as she handed the map to Angel. This was more "her kind of thing." Besides, Nicole was far too busy staring at Harry across the field to care about the show. He was so cute. He was single, right? Hmm…Alliance was about to take on a completely new meaning. She smirked at her own cleverness and turned back to face her tribe.

Before too long, Angel too had passed the map on. As Ari tried to decipher what appeared to be a drawing that a three-year-old had done, Angel walked over to Tommy with great interest in her eyes, but her interest was for a different, much more hilarious reason than Nicole's interest in Harry. It had always been Angel's desire to have a "gay friend," and well, you get the picture…It's beyond hilarious actually…

"Oh my God…I always wanted a gay friend. You have to be my friend, and we'll go shopping together and…" she said, glomping him.

She stopped when the sound of Nicole's laughter reached her ears. The girl was practically rolling around on the ground she was laughing so hard. Tommy's eyes were nearly as large of baseballs, and he was trying to get away from Angel.

"He's not gay, Padfoot. He's just…well…I'm not sure what he is," Nicole said, laughing even more at her friend.

"Oh, never mind then," Angel said, back away slowly from him with bugged out eyes. "I'm gonna go help find camp now…"

Back at Backer's side of the field…

Harry was glaring at the teenage Tom Riddle with hatred and a little fear in his green eyes. This couldn't be right…He was sure it was all a dream. He looked from Tom to Bella to Blaise to Ginny with great shock on his face.

"What are you all doing here? It is Harry Potter survivor," he said, before motioning to Ginny with his hand and continuing. "HARRY POTTER! You're in the books like three times. Why are you here, Ginny? And you, Riddle, didn't your plot and purpose end in my second year when Ginny's did? Bella, you're fucked up in the head. 'Blaise,' who the hell are you anyway? You weren't even in the books."

"Yes. He was. He got one mention in Philosopher's Stone, in the sorting ceremony…" Hermione corrected him.

"Oh and that makes him worthy of MY Survivor. No! How do you even remember that he was in the books- book anyway?" Harry shouted.

"You don't read many fan fictions, do you?" Blaise asked Harry, raising an eyebrow.

"No. I don't," he answered, scoffing.

"Well, I'm in loads of them. Apparently, the fans are quite fascinated with me. They think I'm a deep, thought-provoking character," Blaise said proudly.

Ron rolled his eyes and said, "They thought you were a girl."

"I had plenty of romances with him in fan fictions…" Hermione said, with a certain hint of disgust as her voice trailed off.

"Yes. Well, I was in Azkaban in plenty of fan fictions. Besides, the people who write those things are all crazy," Harry said as he smirked at Blaise. "Now let's go to camp and get this over with. I want to win this thing so that I can get back to saving the world from evil."

At the Immunity Challenge

The survivors somehow managed to find their way to their camps, and Blaise took in a pet squirrel that he found in the woods. The Backer tribe named this squirrel Squishy. Yes, Squishy…

"Welcome, Survivors, to your first immunity challenge. You have to navigate your way through this impossibly hard maze and then you must walk over lava and eat cockroaches…Wait! That isn't the Survivor immunity challenge. That's the Big Brother food challenge. The immunity challenge is that two people, one from each tribe will take turns, will go head to head in a spinning competition. They'll just spin around in a circle as fast as they can till one of them gets sick. The last one of the two standing wins a point for their tribe. The tribe with the most points at the end wins. Let's get it on. James and Hermione, you're up."

"What the…I don't know what I'm supposed to do…" Hermione whined, but it was no use.

The two of them began spinning around and making total idiots of themselves. James spotted a bird he thought look particularly fascinating and stopped. He whipped around to look at the bird and fell down in trying to do so. The "backers" cheered, except for Hermione who was too sick to care.

Then it was Blaise against Logan. That didn't work out too well for the Moonshiners either since Logan has a very weak stomach. Angel easily defeated Ron, but things got worse after this moment of hope. Bella and Brandon, now that one was just funny, and Brianna against Tom Riddle was horrible when Brianna's flip flop fell off. Even her own tribe laughed at her. She was never known for being very coordinated though. It was four to one with the Moonshiners behind, and it took five to win. It would take a miracle to win, and all they only had Hunter. The poor boy was the twitchy, perverted sort. He certainly wasn't the kind they needed. Oh well…

Ginny readied herself to go, and Hunter shuddered involuntarily. Nicole closed her eyes and crossed her fingers. They had to win this even if she didn't want to spend another minute on this fucking island…in this fucking woods with Brandon. They had to win. It was the most important thing in the world. There was only winning. If she didn't last to the merge, she wouldn't be able to make out with Harry. She HAD to make out with Harry. It was her dream, her goal in life. Who cared about the money? No matter how hard she tried to win, Angel would just win anyway. Angel won everything…

Suddenly, out of the middle of nowhere as Ginny and Hunter were spinning around, WILLIAM SHATNER APPEARED!

Angel tapped Nicole on the shoulder, and Nicole opened her eyes. Looking around she saw him and gasped. She had never been a huge Star Trek fan, but she knew Angel was. Nicole was about to tell her no to shout out, not to distract Hunter, but it was too late.

"WILLIAM SHATNER! OH MY GOD!" she shouted, forcing Hunter to look away and fall as a result.

Nicole was angry, but she held it back because she got to see Will Shatner. Will ran away, but he too was glad because he got to be on television again. Everyone was happy, except for Emo James who knew his number was up. Of course, he's slightly less annoying than the Pain so maybe it wasn't up…

"The Backer tribe has won immunity. The Moonshine tribe will have to return later for tribal counsel."

Who will get voted off? Find out on the next episode of Survivor: Clay County.

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You all vote. I've got votes coming in from another source as well so tell me in your reviews who you want to get the boot from the Moonshine tribe. All the non-HP people besides Ari and Tommy, who are the Yanks, are from the area, which may clear up some confusion later on. Umm...Also Nicole would know Ari and Tommy, but everyone else would just be meeting them on survivor. All the locals know each other though. Get it? Got it? Good. 


End file.
